To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
asked my bf how work was today
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My beach vacation Google searches
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
THIS HEADLINE
Only Americans understand
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it