The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Whoa… oh I see lol
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel