My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
You Might Also Like
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter