Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
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When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
shit just got real
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.