professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
britain’s three elite institutions
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”