imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
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Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Check your privilege
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*