Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store