[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
You Might Also Like
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.