I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
screw you
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again