The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
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ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”