Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
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dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud