Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
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My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I need a headline like this