4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Y’all ready for this
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…