As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
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Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.