what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My beach vacation Google searches
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.