okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
We avoided this particular disaster
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.