Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
You Might Also Like
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
#NoRestForTheWicked
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy