*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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Me trying to reach for my goals
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
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