NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
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Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN