Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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Has there ever been a more American story?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”