😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
You Might Also Like
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver