Sorry not sorry.
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Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
This is a sub tweet
excuse me
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”