Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
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Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
When someone says you are so lazy
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
#SuperBowl
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”