Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
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Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*