Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
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The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.