My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
All excellent questions
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.