[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Pee pressure > peer pressure
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
A game married people play.