If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
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[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works