ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
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[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Anyone really
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Pot warmers of the day.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight