Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
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i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign