The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”