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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Peace was never an option
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married