Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
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Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.