I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
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Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in