Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
What my back needs
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Not all heroes wear capes.