They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
How I like cutting carbs
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
i choose….tongue
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b