Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
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[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then