Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
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If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
New favorite tiktok
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall