Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
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Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy