Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny