Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
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Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
britain’s three elite institutions
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on