Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
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I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
when dads have a rap battle
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony