Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
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[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*