If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
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I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE