haha same
You Might Also Like
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”