“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
cause of death:
autopsy.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I love twitter