If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
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Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK