This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.