If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
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Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.