My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
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I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
They’re on their honeymoon
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be